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Monday, January 12, 2015

2015 is Making Me OLD!!

As I think about this year, 2015 marks many changes in my life. I feel a theme coming on: "2015, the year I officially become OLD."
One of the biggest changes happened for me already. My oldest child, Kaydin, turned eighteen! I keep thinking back and wondering how eighteen years went by so quickly? It seems like yesterday that he was learning how to walk.
Kaydin has always been a happy, bubbly kid; surrounded by friends. He has beautiful auburn hair that match his deep auburn eyes. From the time he was a toddler, women have been asking me if we dyed his hair.
My little Red Head
His father and I separated before he was born, so I was a single mom for the first four years of his life. Kaydin and I were a team; buddies that did everything together. He is the one that kept me going when I wanted to give up. He saved me on so many levels! To this day we still cuddle and watch movies together. He doesn't seem embarrassed to be seen with me in public, so that's a huge plus!
But now he is an "Adult" by law and I feel like he doesn't need me anymore. I think that's what I struggle with the most. I used to have to write his notes to excuse him from school or take him to appointments. He relied on me to get him through life. It's a strange feeling to be suddenly unneeded. I know, I know, he still needs me. I'll always be his mother, but it won't ever be the same.
The other part of it that I struggle with is Kaydin's father. He passed away when Kaydin was nine. It was a sudden loss, which affected us both. For nine years I've had to make decisions for Kaydin, hoping they were right. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful support to Kaydin and loves him every bit as much as our other kids; so we parent Kaydin together. But as far as Kaydin's biological parents, I've had to go solo. Would Aladin (yes, that is his real name) be proud of the way I raised Kaydin? I think Kaydin is an amazing young man and I hope his father (watching from afar) believes so too. 
Kaydin and his Dad
This year marks my 20th High School Reunion!! How strange to think I've been out of school for 20 years! It is also the year my son graduates from High School! Wow, the OLD-ness just keeps adding up! 
I plan to attend my reunion in Utah and see old friends and catch up with those I've lost contact with. Because of social media, I've been able to stay in touch with quite a few Miners from the class of 1995, but it will be a bit surreal to see everyone face to face. I know I've changed a lot over the last twenty! Lets just say that High School was an awkward time of life for me!! 
 When I think about the changes happening this year, I also need show a bit of gratitude that I can celebrate these changes. Kaydin is a healthy young man with a bright future ahead of him. He has plans and ideas and I know that he can do whatever he wants if he puts his mind to it.
Turning (cough, cough) 38 isn't the worst thing in the world. I can enjoy a couple more years in my thirties before I officially become old (aka Over the Hill). And I will party like it's 1995 this summer with my fellow classmates and talk about the good times and laugh hard at how we've all changed or stayed the same.
I can't stop time. I can't keep my kids from growing and learning and I can't hold on to them forever either. That's God's plan. Each of us have to learn and grow and make our own choices. I hope that Kaydin will always know that I have his back and and will love him forever.